Dear Sis. Cahoon
I have been assigned to a very wonderful sister to visit for over a year. More and more I am uncomfortable going into her home. My problem is her husband. He makes me feel very unwelcome. This brother refuses to shake my hand when we meet, has repeatedly become contentious with me when our family has been in his home, and is very rude to me. This is not just my imagination; my husband notices it, too. When he was my home teacher, I approached him to help my husband give me a blessing for my migraines, but he told me that when he was going to school, he had migraines and it didn’t stop him from what he had to do. He refused to give me the blessing. Needless to say, I don’t go there. It isn’t that they don’t want Church contact, she is the YW President, and he is first counselor in the Bishopric. Should I ask for another assignment?
Nora
When I received your question, I felt impressed to contact Brother Cahoon and ask for his feedback. It is these types of ‘relationship’ situations that can cause all sorts of bad feelings, and have been the source of much grief, even to the point of not attending church. Both Brother Cahoon and I wish to share our comments and insights regarding this difficult issue.
Brother Cahoon: First of all, how well do you know this family? Is your husband close to the husband of the sister you visit teach? Do you know who their home teachers are? This is the kind of situation that you don’t want to talk about with a large number of people for fear of hurting feelings, but a conversation does need to occur. There must be a reason for the way the husband is treating you, and the faster you find out what it is, the better.
Sister Cahoon: For the time being, maybe the best thing to do is to meet with the sister in a neutral location, for instance your home, or a restaurant, or at church. Until you discover the reason behind the husband’s feelings, it’s better not to make things any worse than they already are.
The only way to find out is to talk it out. Although I’m sorry to say it, there are many sisters in the church who have not caught the vision of visiting teaching and find having someone come and visit an inconvenience, even if they are very faithful in visiting others. If your sister feels this way, it may be that her complaints to her husband about accommodating visiting teachers are contributing to the husband’s lack of enthusiasm. There are a myriad of other possibilities as well.
Brother Cahoon: That’s the hard part of writing these columns; we only get a small snapshot of what is really happening. I can tell that there are many other things going on beneath the surface that weren’t included in the question, but it’s not appropriate for me to speculate. Communication is the simple answer to resolving this issue.
First, talk with the sister you visit teach and explain your concerns. Then, if possible, talk with the husband. If that isn’t possible, it is time to talk with the Bishop, for he is the one person in your ward that probably does understand the bigger picture.
Sister Cahoon: You should involve your visiting teaching companion at all times. Have you talked to your companion about this? What are her impressions? Make sure she comes with you to each visit you make with this sister, especially if the husband is in the home. If you don’t have a companion, find a sister in the ward who is willing to go visiting with you, and seek her insight into the situation. Do you come at a time the husband finds inconvenient? Are you disrupting the family schedule? Try to view the problem from his perspective.
Both Brother Cahoon and I feel strongly that this situation needs to be resolved as soon as possible. The longer this continues, the more opportunity there is for increased contention and bad feelings. At the start of a new year, take the initiative, talk to those involved, and resolve this. Seek the guidance of the Spirit to know who to speak to, what to say, and how to proceed. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Posted by John in Home Teaching, Ask Brother Cahoon